I’m a wanderer in this land
yet, victimized, and I know not
why. It has been a while
I’ve lost my way, drifting away
from you. It no longer gnaws,
a maggot nibbling at raw wounds-
No. It doesn’t hurt that bad.

It is now, as night sets in
once again, and the darkness cloaks
my pain, that I see that light.
Across the horizon, a lantern
burns; and I dream of a stranger
Waiting, hoping, to find me
And own me, even if for a night.

I lose the stranger’s lantern
each morn, and I weep, inconsolably.
I crawl and creep through the day,
stones in the road urging me on.
Trance, the night plays its tune
And I stare, longingly, yearning to be
a midnight whore. Your’s.
That much, at least.

The first odd thing I remember losing was an eraser. Bubble-gum pink, it was a pretty little thing according to my 4-year-old brain. And I had to show it off. And just that, I did. I got all the appreciative glances, occasional jealous looks and a lot of inquiries as to where I got mine from. I smiled, inwardly, glad that there was something coveted, that only I possessed. But alas, the joy of owning a masterpiece was short-lived. The very eve I got home and sat down to get my home work done, I found my eraser missing from the little pink pencil box. I wailed and screamed and wept, inconsolably. My parents tried to pacify me at first, and when I paid no heed, ignored me. Even after an entire week, I was distraught over my loss. My first palpable loss, that I had to bear. But within me, there was this ray of hope, that someday, someday I would find my eraser. Even if a tiny bit of it was all that remained, I would have been ecstatic. But I never did find it.

.

.

Today, as I sit to write this, my tears have dried out; for now. The ache is still raw, and the feelings so confusing. I know it is all over.  But I don’t know why my heart refuses to accept it. It whispers to me a secret, that it is not to be; for how could we, not be?? I long to nod along, listening to what my heart murmurs to me. My brain accedes to the fact that it can no longer be. That I need to pull my socks and move on. It was not meant to be. But I can not. The ache has still to sink in, deep. Despite the tears that flowed down my cheeks; and the tormenting feelings running through my head, I still have hope. Just like that eraser of preschool. And I wish it would be nothing like that.

Arghh… these tears, they never listen. They always come to me, uninvited. Just like now.

.

.

She capped her pen shut. It felt a lot better now. She had something to start with. Her coffee had gone cold. Her feet ached and her neck pained. It was time to sleep, she decided. A sad smile played on her lips. She had finally written a page. After 3 long years, she had let go of herself. She wanted to let it rain out of her system. She wanted him to read he, and know.

She looked at the blades of the fan spinning above her. It felt like a whirlpool, and her past flashed before her eyes. And before she knew, she had slipped into sleep. Calm, and nightmare free, she hoped.

Or rather, I hoped. Wondering who I am? She will write about me, I’m sure. So let her. Till then let me be.

during the day. Awakening

to the birth cry of dusk,

it curls up, to a knot

that you try, each night,

to unknot.

Wordlessly, you strive

to unfurl, to soothe.

Yet each time you try

the tangles grow in,

and wind around this

splintered soul.

As dawn breaks, you leave

behind a hornet’s nest -

tendrils, binding deep.

I watch your fingers

bleed; and this soul,

sleeps, calm.

And the blisters stiffle a yawn,

softly caressed, along the night.

Yet, those tangles never let go.

They never do.

As I felt your eyes seek mine

In stoic silence, amidst a crowd

Of nameless faces.

Our eyes danced, swirling into each other.

Breathless, I watched in awe

The pirouette of love,

Coursing through you and me.

That first touch of ours,

Where fingers found themselves

Mirrored, as one. Electric!

I felt myself fluid and waltz in, I did,

Into your arms.

Together, we danced in all abandon

Until my stilettos burned your feet

And your hands crushed my wrists.

Night had turned red, in our fiery flame

And moonlight peeked at us,

Every now and then,

as though shy.

I dropped my smile all over you,

and drew your dimpled one, in.

Achingly beautiful,

Our moon-kissed love!

]]> http://adorablesashu.wordpress.com/2011/09/06/moon-kissed-this-love/feed/ 4 adorablesashu http://adorablesashu.wordpress.com/2011/09/06/fear/ http://adorablesashu.wordpress.com/2011/09/06/fear/#comments Tue, 06 Sep 2011 15:52:15 +0000 Sashu http://adorablesashu.wordpress.com/?p=1026 Continue reading →]]> Like an over-blown balloon, I remain, ready to burst. It could happen now, or later. But one thing is sure, it will. Someday, sooner than later. Till then, I take in all that I can hold, and not give back. In sharing, I might find a burden off myself. But, as the air fizzes out of me, I may be forced to move, to fly, to change base. And I dread that change. I fear of it. I fear of losing the comfortable complacency of being me, so far. But as I breathe in each time, I fear of rupture. I fear of not being. Fear, ain’t it the dangerous one amongst all feelings? It feels like it. *Heavy sigh* Phew, I survived that long breath. Maybe I have some more time left, to be. Till then, I live. And I fear too. A fear, that runs deep in my veins. A fear I can not be without.

I looked at the enchantingly- beautiful, dangerously – breathtaking waterfall. I listened to its gushing melody. Or was it an agonizing wail? I would never know. It had begun to rain and the combination of the rain and the rushing rapids, made a spectacular sight. One that I was sure never to forget. Well, of course, I would never forget. I knew. Somethings are like that, nay? You know from somewhere deep within you, you’d be carrying it to your grave and this was one of those moments. No, not because of a natural marvel. But, more so, because of Emraan.

.

.

Emraan – the man I loved for more than three decades. The only person I have ever loved without thought, with no barriers. We were diametrically opposites, with no common ground than the strange love we shared. Most people could never comprehend us. Nor can anyone understand our love. Its as simple as the routine of day and night, yet more complicated than trigonometric problems. To the both of us, there is nothing simpler than this love, in the purest basic unadulterated form. Yet, we weren’t lovers.

Yes. I have my husband, Sid, whom I adore and care for, with all my heart. I have a family so full of love. I met Sid random, off blue, at a mutual friend’s party. And we clicked off, superbly well. He was loud and lived life king size. I was more of an introvert, who loved my space and lived in it- absolutely in it. I seldom offered myself to step out of the close knit world in my head. But he did, he drew me out. In a month he had asked me out, and I had accepted. In a couple of months we were officially together. And all of this was around 5 years back.

I was 17 when I first Emraan. Emraan was nothing like the guy of my dreams,the latter an image mostly conjured up from all those Mills & boon collections I read while in high school. He was handsome, in a masculine sort of way, with deep eyes and a naughty playful smile always played around his lips. He was my brother’s best friend at college. I met Emraan for the first time, at the movies. Well, I saw his silhouette would be rather more appropriate. Because we were late to reach and the movie had already started. Emraan had reached early and was already well seated in the dark when I first saw him. We spoke just a bit before my brother squeezed in between us. Emraan had to leave before the intermission, and all I knew about him was that he treated me like a kid and  that I did not like Emraan.

With time, we grew accustomed to each other. He was a regular at our place for dinners. My brother admired Emraan. Well, everyone did. It was difficult, not to adore him. He was the kindest person I had ever met. Also the strongest, in terms of character. Emraan never lied. He never hurt people. He was always sympathetic and always, always there, just there. He taught me patience. He taught me to grow out of my insecurities. He taught me to be kind and sympathetic. To be helpful and never revengeful. Most of all, he taught me to love. He taught me everything about me that I never knew. He has been that pillar of strength in my life, always. And he still remains to be. Inspite of everything, and maybe because of everything too!

Emraan was the first guy I ever kissed. He was the first person I could cry out to. He was the first one I turned to for a smile, a hug or even a harsh reprimand. Oh yes, he scolded me quite often. But he always always made me smile, afterwards. With Emraan I never had to speak out my worries. I never had to take any effort to make him understand. He just knew. Always. It amazed me every time. Every single time. He was never like those young guys who wanted to show their girlfriends off, to prove to be cool. He never hinted at any physical intimacy. His love was pure, undiluted. He was always protective. And I have never felt safer with anyone than, and that includes Sid and my parents too. That is Emraan to me – my anchor, my guide, my love.

We never spoke of our relationship. It was almost a nameless, faceless one. He spoke of the hurdles that lay ahead of him, with regard to his family. I understood the ache in his heart for not being able, to promise a future together. He had given me more love than that could last a lifetime. I never wanted to force him into a commitment, no matter how much I longed for it. And then, one evening, Emraan told me about his plans to leave Mumbai and go to Delhi, for his higher studies. I knew it was finally time, to let go. And I did.

But, we could never be apart in our souls. We spoke every day. As always, never lovers-like; we always were more like inseparable-souls. Only we were oblivious of the strange connection we shared. It was then that I met Sid. Our journey was full of fun. Friends and fun. We were a bunch of friends, and somewhere along the way, I realized that I could see myself be with Sid, in the long run. And Emraan, you might ask? He is a part of me, an essence in me -and always would be too.

I mentioned Sid often in my conversations with Emraan. But never loud enough, I realized, later. Maybe subconsciously I felt guilty. I still, do not know. After 4 long years, with Sid in my life, we finally decided to get married. With Sid, life was fun, simple and full of laughter. Sid adored me. For him, I was the prettiest little thing. He was the first guy I took home, to meet my parents; the first guy I could think of marrying, after Emraan, that is! I still do not know why I never asked Emraan, ever, if he would or could think of marrying me, sometime, how much ever late, in life. I never wanted to force him, or hurt him. I never wanted him to see my ache, and be in pain. Mistake number – One! One that I would regret for the rest of my life.

I don’t know why I delayed telling Emraan about my upcoming wedding. I couldnt bring myself to. But he came to know, from my brother. He was heart-broken. I can never ever forget the misery I put him through. He deserved to hear it from me, especially when we did speak, almost daily. Random things. Our calls had become routine, an indispensable part of our lives. It was one of the first things I had made clear to Sid – that Emraan would always be a part of my life, as a friend, irreplaceable. And he had always been cool about it. And maybe, that is one of the first things that I loved about Sid – he always let me be!

Emraan was hurt, beyond what I would have expected. He had always been the stronger one. He was the one who would tell me that life goes on, and I would too. I would have to, rather. And I listened to him, and I did move on. Those 4 years away, I never realized that he had been trying to sort his personal and family matters. I never knew that he was quite ready, in a place where he had hoped to bring me in! Alas, I never knew. And it had by then been too late. Or is there something called so late? I don’t know. I still don’t.

Emraan came down to meet me. We were meeting after 4 long years. I had expected the embers to have died out. But I was wrong. Emraan could still set my eyes to smile out in joy. He could still make me feel safe and loved. I was torn apart. I never knew that love could be, dormant. Yet there was Sid, and the castle of dreams I helped him build. I could not let him down. No matter the pain I would be inflicting on Emraan; he was so much mine, that I felt I could hurt him – it was one of the most painful rights I could take upon him. For I knew, I would hurt more than him, while doing so. But no matter the ache I was to bear through, all my life and the handful of regrets, I owed it to Sid. Sid, who taught me I could look beyond Emraan. He was right in a way -I could look beyond Emraan. For he was always within me. A part of me. But I never shared that with Sid. Never did.

I knew there was something I had to do. Something that could turn you to call me an adulteress.  And for the first time in these 11 years, we made love. We cried and hugged each other through silent sobs. We smiled and laughed. We knew no one would ever understand. Night had fallen, and we slept, safe. I woke up next to him, and I felt fulfilled. I missed Sid in a weird yet simple way. And I knew Emraan would always be there, the anchor of my life. We hugged each other tight and he kissed me on my eyes. Our last kiss. Our last. At the airport, I watched him wave to me, before his silhouette faded away. My eyes were blurred with tears, and my soul was aching at my loss, and yet happy for having had this memory to last a lifetime.

Sid and I were married in a simple ceremony in Mumbai. Emraan was not there. He made some excuse to my brother, who took the absence in a very disappointed way. Post the wedding, Sid and I moved in to an apartment at Juhu. Our life was fun. Sid made my life wonderful. He could still give me butterflies, after all these years. I adored him. My life was beautiful and content. Emraan and I were always in touch. We would speak over the phone almost every other day. But now, I spoke more of Sid, and work and kids and my wrinkle-woes! And he would tell me about his work, and his wife and kid. Whenever I spoke to Emraan, I transformed into that dangly-teenager of decades ago. And for me, Emraan always remained same. He was the first guy I ever kissed.

.

.

“Shama!” I heard my name called out. I turned back to watch. Sid and the kids were out of the water, drenched from head to toe. Emraan was clicking snaps of the idiots. Ayesha and little Zoya were giggling like teenagers watching the boys!! I smiled to myself. Sid looked over at me, his arms waving me over, and winked at me. I laughed, thanking the stars for this quirky husband of mine. Rishi and Aditya, our twins, were too busy to even notice! I watched Ayesha help Emraan dry his hair. He had their little girl, Zoya, on his thighs, and she was giggling so hard! Picture-perfect!!

I looked at the fierce rapids. Not even the beauty of that could match the scene behind me. Happiness was an understatement at that moment.  ”Shamaaa, come over”, I heard Sid call out. He had our twins on his shoulders and the three of them were grinning so wide! I couldn’t help but smile and walked over to join them. I turned back towards them. And I saw Ayesha and li’l Zoya pull Emraan into the water. Emraan smiling so hard;  it was all so beautiful. And then our eyes locked, and I realized I would never cease to love Emraan, ever. And I knew, nor would he, ever.

Now?

And would the night sleep on,

Cuddling to the melody of the dark?

Will the dusk get in our way,

Or snow melt in our hearts,

Or would it rain, bliss?

As we aim to embrace the future;

Glancing back at our yesterdays,

Would we hold back, and not be?

Would the darkness foam

Like an ocean into us,

Or would the embers burn our souls

like splinters of love?

Would the brook called me,

Merge into you

Or would you rather wait-

For the tide to sweep us in,

Together?

I wonder. Which. And what

Would we prefer,

If stumbled upon a chance?

Let the blossoms break out

Inside my coloured heart

Inked,

In you, and just you.

Let the ashen dreams dip in bright reds

And golds.

Let the clouds tent our night

And let the moonlight

Drape our skin.

And amidst the soft melody

Of the dark,

Let us love, in all abandon.

Let our seas cross paths.

Let us try move mountains

With love.

And when we fail, together,

Let us sit back,

And watch the sunrise, and listen

To the night sing out

Her lullaby.

And then, we’d make ours too -

Souls entwined,

Ah, This Music!

The evening sky touched her-
Gentle a touch,
Sensuous.’

I nibbled my pen,
Into a stump-
Rummaging for words,
That strain inside-
For release.

The words dangled in front of my eyes.
Yet, incoherent, the spaces-
Strings of alphabets,
Random.

My eyes closed, as I fell back,
Into a reverie-
A frown forming along my brow,
Beads of sweat breaking.

Plop!

A blotch on my paper sheet,
I find the ink trace a dream-
A mirage,
The letters heeling a dance,
Teasing,
And taunting-
A lovely love,
Endearing.

‘The leaves jiggled, 
Adorning the crimson hue,
Of dusk.

The breeze rumbled a new melody,
As the rustles grew smooth-
And finally,
Died down-
As night embraced her,
Making love.’

The blotch dried up,
Yet, it left a mark-
The faded grey of night.

My eyes screened through the words
The critical mind, that love the errs,
And questions the flow.
Across ages, its been the same;
The eagle’s eye-
Mine.

‘The silence felt ever so eerie,
As life slipped into slumber,
To be awaken
By that cry-

And as I heard it loud,
I knew-

The gul mohar had finally cried out.

Bliss!’

Plop!

A new blotch-
A droplet, that poured out of me-

For the gul mohar that cried bliss,
The crimson sky that effused love,
And the night halo that embraced life.

And, I cried-
For the live words,
Borne from my soul, once again.

And when finally, he did come to life, in all glory, I fell hopelessly, madly, in love! Our conversations grew beyond us, and our fights broke out fury like never before. But amidst the loving, and the hating, we grew, together, as whole. Once I remember him asking me about my ideal romantic kiss. Dreamer that I am, I could not but not tell him of those visions I’d in my mind, each time I read of Juliet and Romeo, or watched the Notebook. I had always dreamed of my prince charming kissing me under the starlit skies, with the night cuddling us, closer. He laughed playfully, saying I live in a dream, for my mom would never let me out on a date, especially at night! Pity, we still lived in the ancient era, when it comes to dating and romance!! Well, I couldn’t really blame her too! After all, moms are moms, and always will be!

Well, a few days passed. We decided to meet up for lunch (I always longed for a dinner date, but it has never ever happened, till date..and its more than half a decade…Sigh!) Yeah, luncheon! After a sumptuous meal, and a heartful of conversations, we rose to leave for home. He offered to drop me off at home.  So I got onto his bike, and off we went! Mid way, I realized, he had taken the wrong route. I, being the short tempered person that I am, started to fume!! He just chuckled, and drove on. It struck me odd when we took a halt, right infront of the City Planetarium! Whats with this dude, I seriously wondered!! I mean, who takes a lover out on a date to a planetarium??

He dragged me in for the planet’s history show!! I groaned and muttered curses at him. The show started and no matter how very least interested I were, my interest caught up. Suddenly, I felt his hands cup my face, and to my surprise, his lips touched mine – gentle, ever so soft! Ah, my first kiss- under the starlit sky, amidst the billion twinkling lights on a dark dark night! He pulled back, eyes locked at mine and we broke out into a smile! I felt confused, happy. Jitters, literallyyy!! And he told me “Since I cannot do this at night, as we don’t have the permission to go out at night, this is the only way I could think of, to make your dream come true!!! Just wanna say, I love you, and forever would! “

And, that moment, I knew!! Love is a million things. But mostly, it is about us, and all that we are!!

But, I am.

In the space within you,

I dwell. Latent.

Fighting to let go

Of the dormant dreams

Of a long time ago,

Those I had so foolishly

Pinned my hopes onto,

I wait.

But my patience tires me.

Time played spoil sport.

Watered down my desires

And killed my passion,

It did.

And I watched it ebb

Out from me, dribbling

Unto nowhere.

Into you eyes and into your soul

I encroach. Infiltrating

Into the pensive of life

I dip, hoping to find a shard

Of our lost yearning,

To find that part of me lost

Somewhere within you.

Peals of laughter hits my ears

Plunging in deep, into me.

I slip into our past

Where your smile echoed in mine

And your skin shone on me,

As we fit in, together as one

A tad too perfect, maybe.

Time, too much time.

Solitude felt burdened with me

And night cringed at the thought

Of singing me lullabies,

Until dawn took over.

And I slept through the day

Wading through your memoirs.

As the seasons changed hues

I watched, tirelessly,

For the glacier in my heart to melt.

And as we made love

Your touch burnt me, for the first time.

I cringed, and fought the ache

For, meant to be,

We were.

I wondered if it was you, or me?

Try again, I wanted to

And Autumn bared me open, and watched.

But love me, it did not.

Nude, I felt Winter lap at me

Elude her forever, but I heard

Him whisper to Spring.

Many a Summer have gone by.

But warm my soul, none but you could.

Maybe there is more to love

Than passion and yearning.

Maybe all that matters

Is knowing-

Spring can be;

When together we are,

You and me.

Some day age would add a blush

To my soul

And each wrinkle would boast

Of your touch,

And every grey hair would remember

The brush of your lips.

Blissfully, I would age-

Lost in you!

Till then, stay!

Neither here, nor there.

But, in that space,

Deep within me!